Where is my home?
by soundoftragedy
Summary: The brothers have a horrible argument which leads to Dean storming off, and, to Sam's surprise and worry, not coming back. He's sick with worry but can't find his brother, not can Bobby. Did something happened or he just run off? Where is Dean? Will they ever make it up to each other? Emotional brothers' journey back to each other. S4, lots of hurt
1. Is this goodbye?

Chapter 1

* * *

They were arguing for a good fifteen minutes and it was going nowhere.

"Jesus, Sam, she's a _demon_! That is a good enough reason to stop screwing her!" Dean shouted at Sam angrily, waving hands at him.

He couldn't believe it. They ended a hunt almost two days ago and Sam already went to see his precious girlfriend from hell. Leaving him alone. _Again_.

So damn right he was going to be angry. It wasn't right. She was a fucking _demon_ and for some reason Sam couldn't see past her evilness. It was going nowhere but downhill.

"Dean, you're not the boss of me. I can do whatever the fuck I want, whenever I want with whoever I want! I don't need your approval!" the younger Winchester wasn't backing down either. He was sick of the older hunter ordering him around, like he didn't have a mind of his own.

"Sure, Sam, and what you're gonna do, huh? Happily go dancing in the sunset with her and live happily ever after? Is that it?" the older hunter shook his head, unbelievingly. " _What_ fails you that you can't understand that she is _from hell_ and messing with your mind! You don't just go around hanging out with demons, for fucks sake!" Dean shouted desperately. These days it was impossible to show Sam what was right and what was wrong. He simply didn't care.

Sam just stared at him with a look which screamed that he was about to spill something he'll regret later.

"You came back from hell as well, Dean, but you don't see me complaining about hanging out around you. Or should I quit doing that too?"

And that was it.

The older brother stared unbelievingly at what he just heard. He was stunned. Words stung. No, it felt more like Sam shoved a blunt knife into his heart and twisted it, just for the hell of it.

Because _this_ was something he never expected to hear from his brother, like, _ever_.

And if he didn't want to be around him, then fine. He won't force his little brother to keep him company he didn't want in the first place. He probably screwed up Sam's plans when he came back.

"Alright, fine." he exclaimed, his voice emotionless. "If you wanna get rid of me so bad, I'll be outta your hair." Dean quickly picked up his jacket and went to the door, stopping for only a second to glance back at his brother. "Shoulda told me sooner you didn't want me back" he murmured quietly more to himself than to Sam and slammed the door without looking back. He heard Sam calling his name but ignored it. His bag was already in the impala so he just slid into driving seat himself.

"I guess it's just you and me baby, once again." he murmured as the car purred to life. He had no idea where he was going, but he was going to put as much distance between him and Sam as possible. Maybe he'll get off the grid for some time and stay low in general. He doubted that anyone was going to look for him, and if they did, he can cover his tracks pretty well. On the other hand, Bobby might. But he has enough trouble on his hands already and Sam… well, Sam will have Ruby to keep him company.

He won't be missed.

He didn't even noticed tears running down his face until his vision became blurry with it.

Was he actually such an awful brother?

*.*.*

Sam was fuming.

For the last couple of days they were fighting non stop, about everything. Food, hunts, who takes the first shower, where they eat, what music they are listening to, _everything_. But Ruby was a topic number one, a touchy one too. Dean was trying to get him to dump her, because she was evil. Because angels told him to. Because it was wrong.

But what was right these days?

Besides, she helped him, more than once, in fact, so he had a reason to trust her, on some reasonable demon-trusting level anyway.

Although, he understood where Dean's anger was coming from, he wasn't a fool. But he just wished for his brother to trust him with this one.

So when Dean stormed out, despite Sam calling him, and then heard Impala's engine rumbling, he freaked out.

The younger Winchester was well aware of what he said and how much it must have hurt. Hell was still a touchy subject between them, Dean was literally reliving it every single night, and still, Sam rubbed his face into it.

Yes, he was angry, but it wasn't an excuse. His brother was already struggling and he clearly made it worse.

And now, god knows where he went.

It was for the best though. They both needed a couple of hours to cool off, otherwise, they would rip each other's throats out.

But Sam was sure he'll be back. Dean wouldn't leave his brother, not after everything. Not even after this.

Or would he?

The younger hunter walked aimlessly around the room, running a hand through his hair.

He was worried.

He heard what Dean said before storming out. He was defeated, hell, he looked on a verge of a breakdown when he left. And he thought Sam didn't want to be with him.

That wasn't right, he knew it.

But once Dean gets back, when they are both cooled down they will talk about it. It will be like every other time - Sam will talk, apologize, Dean will be angry, but eventually, he will say that it's okay and they will move on.

They always do.

So, the younger brother grabbed a beer and went to look for a new case, glancing at his phone occasionally and waited for his brother to come back.

Little did Sam know that Dean wasn't coming back this time. Nor did he noticed a missing duffel bag.

* * *

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	2. Click

Chapter 2

* * *

Dean drove for hours.

He didn't stop until he was four states away, exhausted to the point he could barely keep his eyes open and was actually worried he might crash his car.

He stopped at some shady looking motel to reaccupate. It was almost morning, he was going to crash for a couple of hours and then drive again. Nine hours separated him and his brother, but it didn't seem like enough. One way or another, Sam either doesn't care or thinks he went to a bar and got laid, because there were no missed calls so far.

Unconsciously, Dean hoped it was the latter, because it hurt just a little too much thinking that his little brother gave that little crap about him.

The older hunter parked his beloved car, paid in cash for one night and then let the exhaustion consume him.

He still hoped that he will wake up to find that it was just a bad dream, just a horrible nightmare and everything's still fine.

If only.

* * *

Sam was getting worried.

It was 10 in the morning and no sight of Dean.

He tried calling when he woke up just to see an empty untouched bed next to him and no brother.

The older Winchester didn't pick up.

He left a voicemail , asking him to pick up and give him a call ASAP.

And yet, no answer.

 _Where the hell was Dean?_

At this point, the younger Winchester was pacing the room. Anything could have happened. Dean could have been attacked, he could be lying hurt in a ditch somewhere, he could be in a hospital, he could be dead. He could be anywhere between this motel room and the world out there.

 _Or was he still mad and didn't want to come back?_ a sudden thought crossed Sam's mind. He frantically looked around the room and only then noticed what was missing all this time.

Dean's stuff.

Dread washed over him and he felt his his hands going numb.

 _No._

Dean _left._

 _Willingly_.

Only then the words from the last night came back, bright as a day. His brother saying that he'll get out of his hair. Him saying that Sam didn't want him back. That broken look in his eyes when Sam talked about hell.

Oh my god.

This was all his fault.

He grabbed his phone immediately and dialed his brother's number. Of course, he didn't pick up. Right now he could be anywhere, he could be at the other side of this frigging country.

Sam couldn't believe that he finally managed to draw his brother away. I mean, it was _Dean_ , for fucks sake. It was him who almost begged for him to come back, who's done everything in his power to keep Sam close. How unwanted he must have felt to leave willingly?

"Dean? Dean!" the younger hunter shouted into his phone desperately. "Please, pick up your phone. I'm begging you. I'm sorry, alright? Please, don't do this. Come back. We'll talk, just _please,_ come back"

An hour later, there was no response from his sibling.

Sam was crawling the walls.

If only he knew which direction Dean went to, he'd go after him. But he had no clue. No friggin idea where that might be.

 _Bobby._

He has to call Bobby. He'll know what to do.

"Bobby? Bobby, I need your help!" he shouted desperately, as if it could hurry the process and make it all disappear..

"Boy, calm down, there's no need to shout, i can hear ya just fine. Now tell me what ya managed to get yerself into this time"

"It's Dean, Bobby, he's gone!" Sam almost cried out, trying to keep his emotions in check, but failing miserably.

"What do you mean, _gone_?" the older man investigated further, sensing Sam's distress.

"We had a fight yesterday, and- and he left after that. I thought he was going to cool off and come back, but he left! He took the Impala, his duffel is missing and he's not picking up his phone! He _left_ , Bobby!" at this point, Sam was in tears.

"Damn it" he heard Bobby curse. "Do you have any idea where he might be?"

"No, he could be anywhere by now, i have no idea how to find him!"

"Alright, alright, how about you come to my place and we try to sort this out? I'll try to call him, then I'll ask other hunters to keep their eyes out, in case he shows up somewhere. You know the drill. And in the mean time, we'll look for signs of him, huh? How does that sound?"

Sam nodded, but then remembered that he couldn't see him. "Alright, Bobby, thanks. It's just… Dean never leaves. It's not like him."

"Well, you gotta understand him too, Sam. Kid's been through a lot. Knowing you two chuckleheads, you probably screamed at each other the most hurtful things you managed to think of at that moment, and, I guess, that something was the last push for Dean. He probably needs some space to gather himself."

"Yeah, probably."

"Alright, kid. Get here safely. I'm sure you'll find how, just… be careful, alright? One missing Winchester is enough for a day."

"Yeah, alright, Bobby. Thanks."

 _Click._

The younger Winchester ran a hand through his hair, breathing deeply.

He has to find his brother. He can't leave things like this. And in the mean time, he's just going to keep calling and hoping that he'll pick up at some point.

* * *

Dean woke up just a little after 2pm.

He slept well, to his surprise. Exhaustion, probably.

And 16 missed calls from Sam, 2 from Bobby, 7 messages left in his voicemail, 14 messages in general.

Just great.

He listened to everything and was a little surprised to hear Sam so worried. He knew his brother better than he knew himself, and still, some parts of Sam were still a huge mystery to him. Like, the kid felt comfortable leaving Dean, but when Dean did that, he was at a point of hysteria. Apparently, he was freaked out enough to call Bobby. And yeah, he wasn't happy with his sudden disappearance either. Both of them asked him to call back, to come back and stop being a goddamn idiot.

But he made his choice.

He wasn't coming back. He wasn't sure if it was permanent, but he sure as hell wasn't going back now or any time soon.

He needs time for himself, to gather his thoughts, for starters. Ever since he came back he had no time for that, it was work, work and, oh yeah, _work_. Angels, demons, friggin hell every night, Sam sneaking out and using his powers, lying to him like he was some dumb kid. It was a friggin rollercoaster and Dean just needed all of this to stop.

Or he won't be able to get up in the morning or get up in general.

So, yeah. This idea might have been the best idea he's ever had. Although, it was still a mystery what he'll do or where he'll go.

Hunting seems like a good thing to do, but maybe he'll just find some cabin in the woods and will stay there for some time. Peaceful and quiet, otherwise he was going to go nuts. Literally.

A surprise, really, how he haven't gone crazy already.

His phone started ringing again.

 _Sam._

Jesus, it's never going to stop.

So he picked up.

"Dean?" a voice came from the other side of the line. "Dean, are you there? Please, answer me. Please."

Damn it, Sam sounded like a little scared kid who was just about to burst into tears.

"Stop calling me" Dean managed to blur out, keeping his voice steady and cold. It was hard.

"Are you alright? Why did you leave? I- I left you a voicemail, can you please come back? We'll sort this out, just come back, man. Don't leave."

"Yeah, sucks when you're not the one leaving, huh?" he asked knowing he was hurting Sam this time. Before Sam had time to interrupt, he added: "I'm not coming back, so stop calling me. Tell Bobby to lay it off too. I'm done with that shit, Sam, and you clearly made your point that you don't need me by your side, so you can call Ruby and she'll be happy to fill my place. And you can pretend that I'm still in Hell and keep doing whatever it was that you were doing." he knew it was a harsh thing to say, but he hoped it will keep his brother at bay.

Wrong.

"No. NO!" Sam shouted this time. "How can you even say that? Jesus, man, I love you, I don't want you gon-"

"Have a funny way of showing that. Like i said, stop calling me. I won't pick up again."

"Dean, please. I know you're mad, but we can fix this!" Sam tried one more time. He couldn't help but feel that he was losing Dean all over again.

"I- I need time, Sammy." the older sibling blurred out eventually. He couldn't help but feel his heart clenching when hearing his brother's pleading voice.

"But… but you'll be back, right? Please, Dean, if you're gone again…" his voice shuddered. "I"m not gonna make it. I'm serious."

Damn that kid. He knew which buttons to push, but the older hunter couldn't just go back.

"Don't know." he answered. "Don't look for me and don't call me." then added and hung up.

Damn it.

The older brother knew what he did was cold and even cruel, but this was his choice. He knew the kid will try to find him anyway, but it was better this way. Safer for Sam, or that's what he kept telling himself so maybe he wouldn't feel so guilty. He might have been saved from hell, but not without the consequences. The older hunter knew damn well that there was a price on his head and each and every demon knew who he was and will try to throw him back there.

So, yeah. This way he'll help Sam and, hopefully, will get some of his sanity back.

* * *

When Sam finally pulled the car he's stolen into Bobby's front yard, he was damn near hysterics. He ran into the house looking like he was about to keel over.

"Boy, sit that ass down and calm down. Tell me what happened."

Sam sat in the chair the older hunter pushed him into and started talking, telling him everything that happened in the last couple of days.

"He's not coming back, Bobby" Sam was practically sobbing at this point. "I- I know him, he said he doesn't know and he's not planning on coming back. He told me to stop looking for him, to stop calling. And i can't do it again if he's not here!"

"Boy, he told you he needs time. He'll be back, and in the mean time, we'll look for the idjit. He's not missing, he isn't kidnapped or hurt or any of that, so, he'll stay away for a bit and he'll be back, when he finds some of his marbles." Bobby tried to reassure Sam. "C'mon, you got yourself too worked up. Go lie down."

The younger Winchester just shook his head. "He's not hurt now, but God knows what might happen when he's alone."

Kid had a point.

"Not gonna happen, Sam. Now go to lie down before I sedate you. And trust me, i have no problem doing that, kid."

The younger hunter just nodded. He knew Bobby wasn't kidding.

"Thanks" he managed to mutter and went to catch on some sleep. Because everyone in the entire world knows that he's not going to get much these days.

* * *

When Bobby was sure that the younger Winchester was asleep, he picked up the phone and dialed Dean's number.

These Winchesters will be the death of him one day.

They and their stubborness and melodrama.

Of course, the older brother didn't pick up, so Bobby kept dialing until after 11th, no - 12th time Dean picked up.

"I told you to stop calling me." a rough voice came through.

"Nice to hear your voice too, Dean. Can you tell me what's gotten into that crazy head of yours, huh? Leaving, really? At least you coulda told the kid that you'll be back. He came here hysterical, sobbing his eyes out and wouldn't settle down until i threatened to sedate him."

"This isn't about Sam, Bobby." Dean answered quietly. "Sure, i mean, part of it is, but that's not all of it."

"Damn it, boy, you still didn't need to leave."

"Yes I did, Bobby. First of all, it will be safer for you and Sam to stay away from me for a while. You know that demons are hell bent to find me and bring me back, right? I have a bright red target on my back. You two are damn good hunters, but I'm not risking it, not at least until they calmed down a little. Besides, I- I need some time alone." he stopped his little tirade quietly, feeling incredibly tired.

"Boy, if you needed some time to regroup, you know that my doors are open, right?"

"I know, Bobby, it's just… i needed to get away from all of it. I still do. It was either leaving or…"

"Or what?" the older hunter asked, when Dean became quiet.

"It was leaving or I woulda put a bullet in my own head." he finally admitted. "It's just too much, you know? First I came back, then this all shit with angels and demons, most of them trying to hunt me down, other's trying to tell me what to do, then just work, work, _work,_ non stop, no breaks, _nothing_ , then Sam lying and sneaking out and all that shit with Ruby and then there is Hell and I can't even catch a break at night from it, it's just…" Dean made a pause and took a shaky breath in. "There was just no _stop,_ no time to just breathe, you know. And that fight with Sam was just a final push and I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm sorry how it turned out, but…" he shook his head, trying to breath as evenly as possible.

Bobby was taken aback with this rant, whatever he expected, wasn't that. He knew it wasn't easy for Dean, but he didn't know it was that bad.

"Kid, all you needed to do was to say 'i need a break' or something like that. You know, if you even need to talk, I'm always here, so is Sam. and we aren't going anywhere." he spoke softly, knowing it was what Dean needed at the moment.

"Yeah, thanks for that"

"Can you at least tell me where you are?" Bobby tried.

"Sorry, Bobby. Don't want any of you coming barging here. Like i said, i need some time." he spoke quietly.

"At least tell me if you're okay, kid. We're both worried about ya."

"I'm getting there."

"I hope so, kid, i hope so." was all that Bobby could say. "At least keep your damn phone on and answer when we call, or send a message or something like that. I'd like to know if you're okay, you know. Can you do that?"

After a long silence, Bobby finally heard a faint 'yeah'. That was better than nothing.

"Alright, kid. Call us if you need anything. I mean, anything. Don't get yourself in danger. Answer at least to your brother, before he gets an aneurysm from this. And really, when you feel like it, come to my place to crash. I'll even bake you pancakes or something."

This time, he swore he could hear Dean smile over the phone.

"Thanks, Bobby, I will. Just... give me some time, alright?"

"Of course kid. Stay safe."

 _Click_.

* * *

Alright, that was totally different from what i actually wanted to write. No clue how it happened. Not sure if i'm sorry either.

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